Gum Control

What an important topic.  I’m not even confident that I can do it justice, but I’ll take a whack at it.  It affects all of us, in one form or another, so it’s fair game.  We’re going to discuss the flaws in the system, starting all the way up at the manufacturers and working our way down to the personal responsibilities of each and every one of us.

First off, the manufacturers.  Why do half these brands give you 4 or 5 chews before all the flavor is gone?  THAT’S CRAP!  It’s infuriating, and it should be illegal.  Or really, in a perfect world the people would rise up DEMAND longer lasting gum, voting with their wallets and either put these crooked gum manufacturers out of business or force them to put out a product that isn’t a piece of used tire dipped in “strawberry” flavoring or whatever.  Seriously, it’s infuriating.

I was going to end that there but it’s just so darned INFURIATING!  WHY?  WHY DOES MY GUM FLAVOR HAVE TO WEAR OFF IN SECONDS?!  ARGH!  “Oh, this is delicious.  Nom nom nom nom ugh.  This is a gross piece piece of rubber and I’m chewing it because why?  Because I hate my life?  There isn’t enough misery in the world that I have to make the simple act of fake-eating (seriously, that’s basically what gum is anyway) into a miserable, teeth-hating, jaw-aching experience?  We’re either all a bunch of masochists or we’re just too apathetic.  It makes me sad.  AND ANGRY.  But mostly sad.  About the gum, that could be so much more.

So, we already know that gum manufacturers could do more about the flavor.  But that’s not the only problem, is it?  Yup, now I’m looking at you, gum-chewers.  OI!  SHUT YOUR gum chewer open mouthMOUTH WHILE YOU CHEW YOUR GUM!  The whole world doesn’t need to hear you masticating all over the place.  It’s disgusting.  Also, you look stupid while you do it.  And we all hate you.  But all hope is not lost!  Chew your gum with your mouth closed and all will love you again*!  You’ll be respected, probably get that promotion you’ve been hoping for, and the guy/girl/other individual you’ve been pining for will notice you and ask for your hand in marriage**.  Give it a try.  The world may not thank you, but I will.  Thank you.

gum-chewing pull
Also, if you do this with your gum…. stop.

Now there’s one other topic that’s so critical to this vital debate that we couldn’t even discuss Gum Control without it.  People who spit their gum on the ground, or stick it underneath things.  We all hate you.  You are just the worst.   And why?  There are garbage cans everywhere these days!  Spit it into a piece of paper and stick it in your pocket.  Don’t have paper?  WHAT DID YOU DO WITH THE PIECE THE GUM CAME IN ORIGINALLY?  Man, I’m getting fired up here.  And as a last resort, if there’s truly NO WAY you can dispose of it, SWALLOW IT.  You won’t die***.  Seven years from now it will work its way out of your system (according to childhood rumors).  It’s not too much to ask.  People like you are the reason chewing gum is banned in Singapore (with a few exceptions).

So let’s all work together and solve this problem.  Share your thoughts and possible solutions in the comments.  As always, thanks for reading, and you’re welcome.

Living the Dream,
Humble Dave

*     Maybe
**   Probably not, though.
*** Probably

It’s The Simple Things

homer drooling

If you know anything about me, it’s that I love French Fries*.  Shoestring?  They’re okay.  Skinny fries are good. Crinkled?  Yes please!  Waffle fries.  Love ’em; they’re like a meal all on their own.  Steak Fries. Oooooohhhh steak fries.

Salt is mandatory, but ketchup (what the heck is catsup anyway?) is usually a nice addition.  Especially bacon ketchup, but I suppose that’s a whole blog post on it’s own.  Now ketchup packets were a wonderful invention, making it easier to travel, and was probably born of the fast food craze (hooray drive through!) but I’ve done zero research on that so I wouldn’t go repeating it as fact at your next ketchup party (as crazy as the world is, I’m fairly certain that’s a thing somewhere).  But the packet hasn’t evolved much over the years until fairly recently.

heinz dip&squeeze
This is the next evolution of the ketchup packet, and it’s genius.  Sometimes I don’t want to spray ketchup all over the place.  Sometimes I just want to dip my fries in the container, like chicken nuggets into a bbq sauce container.  It’s so simple, yet so elegant.  If you want to dip, you can dip.  If you want to squeeze your dead tomatoes all over your dead potatoes, you can do that too!  Clearly I have fries on the brain.  Obviously you could use this to squeeze ketchup onto a sandwich or something besides fries if you wanted to do so (even on your spaghetti, Dad).  It’s just amazing.  Now I don’t know if Heinz has some kind of patent on this or they buy them from a company with a patent, but I do know this: It should be shared with the world.  So simple, yet so much joy.

I suppose everything has its downside.  It looks like there’s more material, so more for the landfill, which means it’s probably terrible for the environment.   But it’s all about perspective, right?  The environment will absolutely try to kill you if given half a chance.  It doesn’t seem SO bad when we reframe it as self-defense.  Of course, if we kill the environment we won’t have anyplace to live, so that’s bad too.  Oof, I don’t think I can solve this puzzle in a ketchup blog.

This was supposed to be another short blog.  Literally just a picture of the ketchup thing and “These are great.  Go try ’em.”  Ah well.

Anyway, sound off in the comments if you know of any other genius inventions that are this simple and awesome.

As always, thanks for reading, and you’re welcome!

Living the Dream,
Humble Dave


*I capitalized them because French Fries DESERVE to be capitalized.  We capitalize your name and you haven’t made half the impact they have.  Show some respect!

Homemade Street Tacos and Beer

So, over the past year or so I’ve taken up cooking.  By “cooking” I mostly mean throwing seasoned (read: salt and pepper) raw meat on something hot (or in something hot) taking it out after a predetermined amount of time.  I’m starting to get kinda good at it.

But, I’m also lazy and have reached Master Level Procrastinator.  This means that I either don’t feel like cooking, or I didn’t do the prep in time to cook what I actually want to eat.

Yesterday afternoon I’m on my way home from work and thinking: I basically have 3 choices for dinner: 1) PB&J – I have the supplies and they’re low maintenance.  Totally unsatisfying as a dinner, though. 2) Order delivery – It has the benefit of being easy and low maintenance, but the downside of being unhealthy and extremely expensive (comparatively). 3) Go to the grocery store and buy food to cook.  Fine.  I’ll cook, damnit.  But what?

Well, obviously I spoiled the surprise right in the title of this post, didn’t I?  Street Tacos.  Why?  They’re easy.  I bought pre-marinated flank steak, pre-diced bell peppers (red, yellow, orange, and green!), and corn tortillas.  I already had salsa, shredded cheese, spinach, and avocado at home.  I also bought beer.  Beer makes all cooking better.  And more manlier.

Opened and sipped beer. Grilled the flank steak (medium-high, 3 minutes, flip, 2 minutes).  Finished beer during that process.  Opened another beer (sip), then chopped the spinach, sipped beer, sliced the steak, sipped beer, threw the tortillas right on the open flame of my stovetop (sip sip sip).  Spread, pour, drizzle, and drop the misc fixings, and bing bang boom – tacos.


I ate four.  They were delicious.  Go do this thing.  I recommend it.

Live the Dream!

-Humble Dave