Gum Control

What an important topic.  I’m not even confident that I can do it justice, but I’ll take a whack at it.  It affects all of us, in one form or another, so it’s fair game.  We’re going to discuss the flaws in the system, starting all the way up at the manufacturers and working our way down to the personal responsibilities of each and every one of us.

First off, the manufacturers.  Why do half these brands give you 4 or 5 chews before all the flavor is gone?  THAT’S CRAP!  It’s infuriating, and it should be illegal.  Or really, in a perfect world the people would rise up DEMAND longer lasting gum, voting with their wallets and either put these crooked gum manufacturers out of business or force them to put out a product that isn’t a piece of used tire dipped in “strawberry” flavoring or whatever.  Seriously, it’s infuriating.

I was going to end that there but it’s just so darned INFURIATING!  WHY?  WHY DOES MY GUM FLAVOR HAVE TO WEAR OFF IN SECONDS?!  ARGH!  “Oh, this is delicious.  Nom nom nom nom ugh.  This is a gross piece piece of rubber and I’m chewing it because why?  Because I hate my life?  There isn’t enough misery in the world that I have to make the simple act of fake-eating (seriously, that’s basically what gum is anyway) into a miserable, teeth-hating, jaw-aching experience?  We’re either all a bunch of masochists or we’re just too apathetic.  It makes me sad.  AND ANGRY.  But mostly sad.  About the gum, that could be so much more.

So, we already know that gum manufacturers could do more about the flavor.  But that’s not the only problem, is it?  Yup, now I’m looking at you, gum-chewers.  OI!  SHUT YOUR gum chewer open mouthMOUTH WHILE YOU CHEW YOUR GUM!  The whole world doesn’t need to hear you masticating all over the place.  It’s disgusting.  Also, you look stupid while you do it.  And we all hate you.  But all hope is not lost!  Chew your gum with your mouth closed and all will love you again*!  You’ll be respected, probably get that promotion you’ve been hoping for, and the guy/girl/other individual you’ve been pining for will notice you and ask for your hand in marriage**.  Give it a try.  The world may not thank you, but I will.  Thank you.

gum-chewing pull
Also, if you do this with your gum…. stop.

Now there’s one other topic that’s so critical to this vital debate that we couldn’t even discuss Gum Control without it.  People who spit their gum on the ground, or stick it underneath things.  We all hate you.  You are just the worst.   And why?  There are garbage cans everywhere these days!  Spit it into a piece of paper and stick it in your pocket.  Don’t have paper?  WHAT DID YOU DO WITH THE PIECE THE GUM CAME IN ORIGINALLY?  Man, I’m getting fired up here.  And as a last resort, if there’s truly NO WAY you can dispose of it, SWALLOW IT.  You won’t die***.  Seven years from now it will work its way out of your system (according to childhood rumors).  It’s not too much to ask.  People like you are the reason chewing gum is banned in Singapore (with a few exceptions).

So let’s all work together and solve this problem.  Share your thoughts and possible solutions in the comments.  As always, thanks for reading, and you’re welcome.

Living the Dream,
Humble Dave

*     Maybe
**   Probably not, though.
*** Probably
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