An Open Letter To My Face

First off, Face, I’d like to thank you for a solid 40 years (so far!) of hard work.  You’ve always done what you’re supposed to do, which is cover the front of my head.  Mission accomplished!  I’ve also been told that I’m not terribly unattractive, so… you know… thanks for that too.

And, I guess it’s worth mentioning that when I wanted to grow facial hair, you fully supported my endeavor.  The goatee grew in nice and thick and was our chin-warmer for many years.  And should I forget to shave (or choose not to) for a few days the beard is full, with no patching.

One could also make the argument that you’ve gone above and beyond the call of duty, as you have managed to help me attract the woman who became my wife.  For that alone I owe you a debt.

With all you’ve ever done on my behalf, I feel slightly embarrassed asking you for this favor, but I thought I’d give it a shot anyway.

“Would it be too much trouble if you weren’t so darn sensitive?”

I know, a strange request, but hear me out.  We both hate shaving, right?  I hate the whole, time consuming process, and you CLEARLY hate the razor.  This is evidenced by the fact that your irritation is evident every I shave.  We both know what I’m talking about, so I feel there’s no need for details here.

Stop shaving and grow a beard?  Certainly an option.  Although it seems a shame to cover you up after so many years of service, with so many more ahead of us.  Also, the wife hates it, and we both like her kisses.  Those’ll stop if we grow a beard.  We have to reject that option.

Shave less?  I do that now.  Normally I’m every other day, and have been taking a few liberties stretching to 3 days when possible.  We also don’t shave over the weekend so you get the occasional 4 day stretch.  This isn’t sustainable. Also, as I mentioned before, it reduces the number of kisses we get.  For that reason alone this is an unacceptable solution.

As far as shaving options go, we’ve tried as many as we could.  Electric razor, 1-5 blade razors, and double-edged safety razors (with a variety of blades) have all removed bristles from us.  Shaving cream, shaving gel, and shaving oil (which we currently use) have all been the buffer.  We even bought shaving cream you add to water, mix, and apply with a badger-hair brush.  Nobody can say we haven’t tried.

So, all that being said, and as long as it isn’t too much trouble, could you toughen up just a tiny bit?  I’d be completely satisfied if our every-other-day shaving ritual would be unmarred by the usual irritation.  I completely understand if daily is just too often, and I’m 100% behind you  on this.  But every other day seems reasonable.  And we’ll keep skipping the weekends (unless there’s some event that requires it) to give you an extra break.

Now, perhaps the sensitivity is necessary to receiving all those other benefits.  And if that’s the case, of course I’m happy to continue on as we have been all these years.  But you and I both know that we can do better.  Let’s give it a shot, shall we?  We’ll both be better off for it.

Thanks a bunch!

-Humble Dave

P.S. If you have any pull with the rest of my head, a little more hair on top would be appreciated.  Thanks!

4 thoughts on “An Open Letter To My Face

  1. Have you considered taking female hormones? That might stop the beard growth, plus provide smoother skin for your wife to kiss. There are also different kinds of hair removal techniques. Back in ancient days, I understand they plucked their beard hair off. I once removed my beard by trying to light a gas oven that had been on for about an hour. Fireballs remove facial hair instantly. Can’t think of any other solutions. Good luck figuring this out with your face.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Female hormones are right out. I guess I haven’t tried waxing my face, but I have some hesitation there. There’s also laser hair removal, but what if I want to beard up in the future? Or need it for a costume?

      I too have tried the fireball method of hair removal. The risk/reward ratio is too out of whack for that to be considered as a regular option.


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