This isn’t the sort of thing I’d normally write in my blog. I usually like my writing to be fun and upbeat. Like most people, I suppose, I like to show people “Happy Dave,” and not the other guy. Why dump my problems on other people who undoubtedly have problems of their own to deal with (Grammarians, you can take your “with which they have to deal” and stuff it)? But who knows, maybe I won’t even publish this blog and you’ll never read it anyway. Here goes.
The Universe is out to get me.
I got laid off from my job March 31, 2017. It didn’t come as a big surprise, although it happened faster than I expected. I wasn’t TOTALLY upset, because I wasn’t really interested in what I was doing anymore. It was one of those jobs that kept the machine moving by taking value from one space and adding it to another. Ultimately, I wasn’t really adding value to the system, just moving it around. I USED to be a true believer in the work, back when I started, but after 10+ years of doing it… well, deck chairs on the titanic.
My goal was to take three months to relax, recharge, and reassess, then move forward in a new direction. I wanted not only a new career, but I wanted it in a new industry. As if that wouldn’t be hard enough, my real challenge was I had no idea what I wanted to be when I grew up. It makes no difference that at the time I was 40. I was still lost. Regardless, my plan started off well enough, I suppose. I relaxed. I surfed the web looking at different companies, jobs, etc., just trying to learn what else was out there. I spent a lot of time with our new dog whom we rescued March 1. Although there was always that ever-present pressure to get a job, things were okay. Well, okay enough, anyway. The important thing was that I was excited to try something new, and motivated to execute this new plan.
Unfortunately, the Universe is out to get me.
July I got a neck injury that left me in INCREDIBLE pain. Forget moving around, but not moving around was almost as painful. I had to take an extensive cocktail of nerve-blockers, painkillers, muscle relaxers, anti-inflammatories, etc multiple times a day, and that was so I could sit on the couch. Doctors visits, meds, x-rays, meds, MRI’s, meds, Physical Therapy, meds… you get the picture. It SUCKED. I wrote a whole blog back in February about this bit which you can read here. If you want to save time (you should read it though, it was a good one!), I’ll tell you that it ends with me feeling better and beginning to embark on beginning to embark on a real estate career. I had some hope.
But the Universe is out to get me.
In mid February I re-injured my neck. This sent me into a deeper depression, and I lost all my motivation to study for my real estate exam (If I’m being completely honest, which I might as well since I’m not convinced I’m actually going to publish this blog, my thoughts were turning dark. I got scared, realized I needed help, and made an appointment for therapy. Never had it before, but I figured, this is what it’s for). After more doctors, meds, x-rays, and MRI’s discovered that my neck was worse, and in addition to bulging discs I had some bone spurs pressing on my spinal cord and narrowing my nerve canals. I don’t think nerve canals are the technical term, but I like it. They’re where the nerves leave the spinal cord and exit the vertebrae to go do their thing in your body. And those canals were partially closed off. Result: Incredible nerve pain. Hooray! After seeing a couple of neurosurgeons we determined I needed Anterior Cervical Discectomy and Fusion (ACDF) surgery. I wrote all about this here. Surgery went great, and I wrote all about the hospital stay here.
So now I’m 2 weeks post-surgery. Neck is healing well, although I have a heck of a scar, still some numbness and nerve pain, and an inability to life anything heavier than a jug of milk, I’m doing okay. Saw the neurosurgeon yesterday and he confirmed my recovery is on track.
So here we sit, back on the couch. I’m not quite where I was April 2017. Still no job. Can’t walk my dog, due to the injury (heehee, dog doo). Still don’t really know what I want to be when I grow up, although I recently watched an awesome TED talk that might help with that. I do have a potential career in the works in the meantime as soon as I get back into studying for and subsequently passing my real estate exam. And perhaps most importantly, with all the extra time I’ve had to think, I realized something:
The Universe is NOT out to get me.
Despite being incredibly humble (and you know it’s true, because I have my own website that says so), I am incredibly ego-centric. Everything that happens, happens to ME, personally. Cut off in traffic, THAT ASSHOLE! Drop the cap of my water bottle on the floor? FUCK YOU, LIFE! Get injured, WHY ME? And you may or may not know this, but when you’re depressed the little problems get so much bigger. The gardeners not mowing a small patch of grass in the yard becomes a problem so insurmountable that it frustrates you the point of tears.
It’s only very recently, after my first therapy appointment, that I’m starting to realize it’s nothing personal. The Universe is truly NOT out to get me. Everyone has problems, and everyone can choose to let it go and move on. It’s been hard for me to step outside myself and realize this. And I’m far from accepting it emotionally. But hopefully this will help me to move on. Besides, things tend to balance out, so I’m probably due for something good soon, right?
Anyway, sorry for this wall of text. I’ve been writing it for so long I don’t even know what in here anymore. If you’re reading it, I didn’t go back and edit anything (although I did make some edits “on-the-fly”) so if it’s tripe just say so in the comments. If anything I said resonates with you go ahead and comment on that as well. Also, if you hated it just pretend you never read it and move on. This will probably not be indicative of the stye of post you’ll see on my blog. I apparently felt it was necessary at the time, and in here nobody can tell me what to do. If I’m learning anything through this process it’s that, for me, writing is cathartic. Also reading, but that’s also for another blog post.
As always, thanks for reading, and you’re welcome.
Living the Dream,
edit: so I wrote this yesterday (4/20/18) with really no intention of publishing it, but what the heck.